I'm about to unpack the most messed-up part of my psyche, so if you don't know me very well, don't mind this. This blog is my journal ok.

I look a lot like my mother. Nowadays, I'm told I look like her when she was a teenager. But when I was younger, my dad would often see me from behind and think I was her. It was hard on my self-esteem. Being mistaken for a middle-aged woman. It doesn't happen to me anymore. 

I've known for the longest time that my mother has body image issues. She followed extreme diets and home workout plans, and she regularly took "before and after" photos in the mirror in front of me. My mother showed me, through her actions, that she believed her body was something that needed fixing. Indirectly, she showed me that my body also needed fixing. 

I have internalized fatphobia that's directed towards myself. I would never take this out on other people because I have something called empathy. But there seems to be an exception. The voice in my mind views my mother as an extension of myself. My insecurities are a projection of hers. I've grown out of the bad eating habits I had as a child, and I'm more rigid with my habits now. The voice in my mind holds her to these rigid standards. She sometimes falls short of them (she doesn't know that she's being held to them). My mind perceives her as a mirror image of myself. She reflects my worst insecurities because they come from her. The voice in my mind treats her like it would have treated me. I can tolerate being mean to myself, but I resent myself so much for being mean to her. 

I'm still an insecure person. I waste so much mental effort on thoughts about my body. My insecurities are remnants of past ones. They're not really perceptible to an outsider. No physical transformation will erase the insecure girl from within this body. 

Chat don't clip that

I'm glad to have been born in Canada. In what other country can you choose between living on the Pacific or Atlantic coasts, all while having the undisputed right to bodily autonomy

 I'm the kind of woman they'd send away to be locked up in an isolated house by the sea and I think that's why the Atlantic winds call to me

 It's hard to strike an even balance between remaining in my comfort zone out of self-respect for my time and energy and getting out of my comfort zone to grow as a human being and experience more things

 I'm genuinely exorcising demons from my nasal cavity every hour

 Just had to google Philip to make sure he actually was dead and I wasn't imagining things, and it turns out he is dead and he also was never even the king

Just had to google who the king was because in my mind it was Philip, and then I remembered he was dead

 Come to think of it, I've been inside far more churches than I have shopping malls. The ratio must be something like 6-8 churches per 1 shopping mall

US chain restaurants I want to go to: The Cheesecake Factory, Olive Garden, Trader Joe's, Raising Cane's, and IHop

I had a carrot caramel cheesecake once and it made sweet love to me ❤ 

I'm a baker in the way that a working mother who cooks dinner for her family is a chef (which is to say I'm not, but I've done the basics frequently and long enough that I know a thing or two) and I love to bake with others because I get to share these little things I've picked up. I love it when people ask me things, and I love sharing what I know with others 💕 

Biked home drunk the other night and went to open the backdoor. SKUNK in my backyard. Backdoor locked. DRUNK. Holding my bike up with one hand (one wheel was hanging off the porch). Frantically going through my wallet for my key with the other hand. Could NOT find my key in the dark. Had to put my phone in my mouth with the flash on. Good times

 Do you guys read Yog Bowl (slang for yogurt bowl) as yog-bowl or as yawg-bowl because I read it as yawg-bowl 

Just know that I read "smh" as "shaking my hog" and there's nothing I can do about it

 Did you know MYA stands for million years ago? Like that's not why I'm called that, but still neat

 I find it so disappointing that the male experience is viewed as the baseline for the human experience, and that stories told from the male perspective are interpreted to apply to the human experience as a whole, whereas stories told from the female perspective are always understood as being about "girlhood" or "womanhood". It feels to me as though we haven't graduated from our conception of woman as a fragment of man (Adam's rib). She is a half person. She is woman first, human second. Women have had to discover themselves through the stories of heroes who don't look like them since they first learned to read. 

I'm in an Early Christianity class that's open to anybody outside of my major and we've already got some guy talking about "true christians" and telling the professor to "just google it because I know I'm right"

I eat an apple a day and haven't been to the doctor in at least ten years. These two things are not related. I am sick as I write this

 I'm not a banana girl but for some time now I've really wanted to try banana pudding with those wafers in it. But I wouldn't have it without the wafers. Plain banana pudding sounds yucky

"You'd never call a man's body hair gross." Um, yes I would. Some of you need to trim that shit. Haven't you heard there are forest fires going around? 

Adopt me was so last week I'm on that Hayday shit now

 I'd be so jacked if I wasn't a pessimistic chud

Second year at univeristy has got to be the worst year. It's the grade 9-10 of univeristy. The way I see it, grades 7-8 are first year. 9-10 are second year. 11 is third and 12 is fourth. I don't know about you, but grades 9-10 were the worst of my life. So yeah, my hopes are not high

 My sister basically asked me if I saw myself dying alone, but then she commended me on my sense of self-worth so there's that

I've seen a lot of discourse about women who don't want to have kids, and I've seen a lot of people try to find some sort of external explanation for why a woman wouldn't want children. The most common of these is the "career" argument, which rubs me the wrong way.

A) It posits that a woman can't have both a career and children. When has anybody ever questioned if a man could have both? In this economy, one salary often isn't enough to support the needs of the household. 

B) Women don't need to have some external reason for not wanting to have children. They don't have to invest all of their time and energy into a career to be justified in their decision. We have a tendency to try to over-explain women's decisions to make them understandable to the opposite sex.

"Because I don't want to" is a valid reason for a woman choosing not to do ANYTHING with her body and it's beyond interesting to me that we don't take that seriously... But that's just food for thought.

I sometimes feel like my deep-seated antisocial and avoidant nature when it comes to interpersonal relationships, especially new friendships, makes me the biggest bitch alive

 Carleton's wildlife is wonderful. There's groundhogs and ravens all over campus. Just the other day, I saw a tiny mouse in Paterson Hall

Depending on the lecture I'm in, you'll either catch me diligently taking pages of handwritten notes or shamelessly playing Hayday on my iPhone

I like to give my bike seat tender-loving backshots to go uphill without switching gears

One of my professors couldn't remember the name of a Persian king. He went silent for 6 uninterrupted seconds, then recited something in Greek. Apparently he often does this and it reminds him of the name